Alongside maths and getting to college, socialisation is likely to be the thing that friends, family and complete strangers worry about the most when your children don’t go to school. And, in a way, for many parents whose children aren’t in school, friendships and socialising do pose the biggest challenge, but not, perhaps in the way that other people may envisage.
Great friendships can certainly be made at school, and the advantage of seeing the same people day in, day out, is that friendships can happen easily. The flip side of that coin of course, is that if you don’t get on with peers and classmates, being with them day in and day out is pretty arduous. For those children who don’t find meaningful friends in a school environment, the safest option is to adapt and conform, to try to be liked and to fit in well enough. That, of course, is also extremely hard work. Most of us will have done that at some stage of our lives, whether at school or at work, attempting to shapeshift to ensure that we are liked, even if that means hiding some parts of us. There’s a great quote by Brene Brown, “Fitting in is the opposite of belonging”. By which, she means that true belonging is to be seen and embraced for who we are. If we try too hard to fit in, we can never truly belong.
There are other issues with school-based socialisation, that make it very challenging for many children, including large class sizes, same-age groups, and low ratio of trusted adults. Its obligatory nature also means that a child has no choice but to ignore their own limits and boundaries when they need quiet time, or feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed. But perhaps, when we think about children and what is natural and healthy, we might just remove school from the picture. Not because is it necessarily unhealthy, but because it is a recent phenomena and it wasn’t founded upon the science of human emotional wellbeing and growth. So, using it as an example of what socialising “should” look like for a child is misleading. When we think about what our children need in terms of friends and the company of others beyond the family, we might be better looking at how humans lived for the 200,000 years before the existence of school. We can’t recreate the past, but this can give us a better idea of what a human child is wired to expect and how they naturally thrive.
From what we know of hunter-gatherers, their children typically had a lot of independence, played in mixed age groups, and were never far from trusted adults. They were able to move out into the world slowly and safely, in the company of people they knew well, yet also maintain some autonomy. It reminds me a bit of playing in our street when we were young. Whereas at school I was frequently overwhelmed and definitely worked hard to fit in, playing in our street in the evenings and at the weekend with children of all ages felt simultaneously free and safe. All the parents knew us and home was never more than five minutes away.
Ideally, we would all live in safe communities where children could venture out, hunter-gatherer-style, among trusted adults and children of all ages, making friendships at their own pace. For a number of reasons, most of us don’t live in such communities. But, rather than let that get us down, we can use this model to help us see what we might facilitate for our children and to understand why sometimes our children are resistant to our suggestions. The simple assumption that making friends and socialising is (like learning) an organic process that will look different for each child, is already a great starting point. And, no matter how many or few friends a child has, there are some big advantages to self-paced, unforced social exploration:
- There is time and freedom to discern whether friendships feel healthy and worth pursuing.
- The child can easily assert their boundaries and stop socialising when they feel the need to.
- When the child dictates the pace, they feel safe. And they can make it clear when they still need a trusted adult nearby.
- They can access mixed age groups. (In his excellent article, The Special Value of Children’s Mixed-Age Play, Peter Gray talks about why mixed play is far more natural and beneficial to our children, and how same-age play only became the norm when children started to go to schools in which they are graded by age and organised by adults.)
- The child can choose social situations that best suit them developmentally, whether that’s one good friend, a regular group, or lots of new faces.
My children’s experience of socialisation and friendships has brought all these points home to me. Each one has gone at their own pace, and each has been different from the others, from just needing one or two close friends, to enjoying large social groups. One is happy with many other peers, one has always needed small groups, and one just isn’t keen on groups. One of them found a sense of real belonging at a home ed hub where mixed-age groups were held skilfully by the facilitators. This child, though they are now older, still prefers mixed-age groups over peers, and is always sensitive to whether the adult present is holding the group well.
Something all three children have in common is that they are remarkably discerning about who they spend their time with. Friendships are important to all of them but never at the cost of compromising who they are. I feel like they know exactly the difference between fitting in and belonging.
So, my challenge hasn’t been to replicate school by trying to find them huge groups of children to play with. My challenge has been, firstly, to overcome my own schoolish paradigms about what socialisation should look like (huge groups of children to play with…), and try, instead, to recognise each person’s individual needs and pace. And secondly, to attempt to facilitate what they need. When they were smaller, this involved organising playdates and finding activities that were in everyone’s comfort zone. Now, my sons are older and they move naturally and coherently through their unique social landscapes, with the friendships and outside interests that feel right to them. For one, this looks like a wide group of friends and acquaintances, and for the other it is a couple of good friendships and several special interest groups. My daughter is younger, so I am still very involved in organising things with her, and because she is so different from me, I sometimes feel a sense of frustration when my suggestions of new people and new groups are not embraced. I would happily spend every day going to activities and meeting other children and parents. She, however, feels very comfortable with the particular people and things she has already. “You and me are different people,” she reminded me this morning after turning down a new forest school and a crafts club. She went on to remind me that I am a free person and can pursue my own social agenda in whatever way I please. Fair points.
And so, how do children socialise outside of school? Ideally, they do it on their own terms, feeling safe as they go, learning on the way about boundaries, consent and belonging, and practising what it is to understand and meet one’s own unique social needs. Our challenge is to not fall into the trap of assuming we know what that needs to look like, then cajole them into fitting our imagined ideal (which may well have its roots in school). Instead, we can try to understand their needs and attempt to facilitate something that might work for them, trusting that they do know what is right for them, and allowing them to express their boundaries clearly.
With some children that might be quite easy, whereas with others, moving out a little further into the world may be a slower process, with lots of stops and starts. It can feel frustrating for the parent when that happens. Just when you’re elated that they’ve settled in a lovely art group/football club, they decide it isn’t for them after all and you may feel like you’re back to square one. If this sounds like you, try to let go of what you want the end result to be (child in lots of activities with lots of friends), and instead focus on respecting their autonomy to make these choices. See if you can understand if they are simply happy with how things are right now, or if the activity had an element to it that pushed your child too far out of their comfort zone.
Yes, socialising out of school can be a challenge on several levels. Researching activities, finding other families to connect with, and just figuring out the logistics can be challenging. Getting over our own preconceived ideas about what it needs to look like can be challenging. But, the reward is to give our children the freedom, safety and autonomy to move into the world at their own pace, connecting with people of all ages, figuring out who they are in the wider world, what feels healthy to them, and where they feel real belonging.
A PLACE ON A HILL 
Leave a comment