At first glance, the idea of living in a non-coercive, consent-based way with our children may seem quite straightforward. We don’t “make” them do things they don’t want to do, we treat their opinions and needs as just as valid as our own, and we don’t assume we always know best just because we’re the adult.
So far so good. However, we all know that putting principles into practice is far stickier than we would like, and when we unschool we inevitably spend an awful lot of time picking our way through the grey areas. Are we being coercive when we encourage an unenthusiastic child to do something they said no to? Are we being negligent when we don’t insist on something that will be beneficial for them? Principles are often not quite enough to guide us through the messy nuances of daily life.
Let’s take the idea of a walk for example. If I suggest going for a walk and no one else is in the mood then generally speaking, I don’t feel any need to encourage otherwise. But how would it be if my child was feeling down, and I knew that going on a walk together would help them relax and reconnect? When something is clearly (to me, at least) going to be beneficial do I still take a refusal at face value? Or should I spend a few minutes trying to coax them out for the sake of their mental health? How about a shy child who wants to join a Lego group and has been looking forward to the first session, but also finds groups quite overwhelming. Do we say, “Hey, no problem”, when they tell us they don’t feel like going? Or do we encourage them to at least give it a try, knowing that that’s what they really would like to do? And if we encourage them—telling them what a lovely group it will be, and that it only lasts an hour and that they’ll have a wonderful time etc—at what point in this process are we overriding their “no”, and attempting to bend them to our will rather than honouring theirs? When my children were younger, I remember this tug happening multiple times a day. Some days it was an almost constant question—do I encourage or do I hold back? Even now they’re older, this piece of unschooling still feels to me like an intuitive dance in which it’s very easy to take a wrong step.
I remember accompanying one of my children to a sports event a couple of years ago. They were used to practising with their small local club, and as we approached the unfamiliar sports hall where they would take part in a demonstration in front of lots of people, my child froze. We stood outside the door in limbo, as they told me there was no way they were going in there. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that the first two things that flashed through my mind were that we had driven 40 minutes in the dark to get there, and that we had already paid the fee for taking part. Once I had moved those automatic parent thoughts gently to the side, I realised that I didn’t know what to do. I knew that my child was entirely capable of this moment, and I knew that they had been looking forward to it and would be profoundly disappointed if they didn’t take part. So, saying, “Don’t worry, let’s head back to the car,” didn’t feel helpful at all. In fact, it felt like that was equivalent to me agreeing with the fearful part of them. And whilst I was compassionate towards the fear, I didn’t necessarily want to help it win the day. On the other hand, my child was adamant that they weren’t going in so me attempting to encourage them was likely to increase their resistance. I chose to just stand there by the door with them, not saying anything, but also not allowing that fearful “no” to lead us away. It felt like an age but we probably only stood for a minute or so in this uncomfortable space. Thankfully, one of the instructors from their club suddenly popped up, greeted my child cheerily, asked if they were nervous, then whisked them away for some practice to calm their nerves. My child went on to take part, did brilliantly, and came home happy and fulfilled. That might seem like a strange story to tell as I was basically let off the hook by my child’s instructor. However, it reminded me in a delightful way that sometimes, that uncomfortable space is the place we need to be and, if we can be patient, it is from where the best answer will emerge.
So, how do we balance consensual parenting with our desire for our children to try new things and to move through discomfort? How do we navigate the grey space that lies between encouragement and coercion?
1. Be curious about your motives
Why do you want to encourage or nudge your child? Are you genuinely confident that if they just pushed through a bit more, followed your suggestion or gave something a try they would be happier for it? Or do you want to nudge them because it would soothe some anxiety of your own, maybe about friendships, learning or fresh air? In which case, is your child picking up on your unspoken expectations?
Or are you assuming that you’re right and they’re wrong and that you need to help them see this from your perspective? It’s surprisingly easy to fall into this way of thinking, as this is the way of mainstream parenting. It can take a long, long time for us to really surrender our adult power and move away from the idea that if things don’t go the way we want/expect them to then we’ve somehow failed.
2. Let go of the outcome
If you feel triggered by the situation then chances are that you are attached to an outcome. Something that always strikes me in unschooling, is that the more attached we are to the outcome, the more stressful things get. When we approach anything from a place of needing something specific to happen, our children will feel it and we’re highly likely to create more resistance and frustration in them and in ourselves.
So, take a breath, give yourself a hug and try to let go of the outcome. Instead of wishing that your child was doing something differently, lean in and get curious. You may well find that as you let go of the outcome, things naturally shift for your child.
3. Be curious about your child’s motives
Is your child simply not interested in whatever it is that you are encouraging? If they’re clearly telling you that they don’t want to do something because it feels boring and pointless to them, or because they don’t like being with that group of people, then encouraging otherwise is probably overstepping the mark (unless you have some extra information to share with them). But perhaps they’re just low in energy or not sure if they’re in the mood. Or perhaps there’s other reason for them holding back. Maybe they want to move forward but are lacking in confidence or feeling a bit nervous or overwhelmed. The better you know and understand your child and the more trusting your relationship, the easier it will be for you to discern what’s going on for them.
– A little nudge
If you sense that all they need is a little nudge or some words of encouragement, then go ahead and nudge. Sometimes we all need a cheerleader who bigs us up and encourages us to go for it. If you think that’s what they need then be that person. Of course, every child is different and only you can know your child. A child who is particularly sensitive to demands may well interpret a gentle nudge as though you were dragging them out of the door feet-first. So, working out how you can phrase encouragement in a low-demand way will be essential for you to find the sweet spot.
– Keep it lighthearted
Sometimes, I might engage in some light-hearted convincing. It’s light-hearted because we both know that saying “no” is still okay. So, for example, if I’m going to go for a stroll around town and my daughter doesn’t want to come, I might throw in a fun idea to entice her along or even pretend to plead with her. If she still says no, that’s fine. We’re still on good terms.
– Offer support
If you’re surprised at the “no” because they really wanted to do this, see if something is holding them back that you can offer support with. Try to take as much pressure off as possible. Going early to meet the person in charge of the activity, for example, offering to stay with them, or letting them know it’s okay to leave early if they don’t like it. Or, if it’s about something they’re engaged in at home, maybe suggesting a break and a snack and coming back to it later or some practical way that you can support them. To help my older children do their homework on their college courses when they’re feeling tired, sometimes I’ll just be on hand for them to talk it all through with me, and other times I’ll just deliver regular cups of tea. In the beginning, one quite liked it if I was in the same room getting on with some work of my own. Rather than verbally encouraging (and potentially getting groans of annoyance in response) I can help them in practical ways that have our relationship at heart.
4. Pay attention to their response
If, as you offer these gentle nudges or support, you see that your child is appreciating your input and finding it helpful, then great. But, if you feel their resistance rising, then it’s time to back off. If you push against them, now trying to “make” something happen, inevitably your own tension will rise too. This is generally a road to nowhere but frustration. I’m sure we’ve all ended up there many times, licking our wounds and wondering where things went wrong.
At this point, remind yourself that you’re in this for the long haul and that nothing is more important than your relationship and that you are their ally not their foe. Enjoy the knowledge that your child has the agency to make their own choices. And, whether they hated the idea, weren’t particularly bothered either way or loved it but just couldn’t do it today, remember that there will be many, many other opportunities. It’s all one long, evolving learning process.
5. Don’t be scared of the grey space
And finally, we often jump in with encouragement because we feel like we need to fix things or keep them going. In fact, there are times (like with my child at their sports event) that it is best to hold back and give our child some space to process worries, doubts, or whatever is on their mind. It can be hard to hold this kind of space, but it often leads to outcomes that are far more gratifying than anything we could ever engineer.
Living in a non-coercive way with our children may make life a little more complicated, as we don’t get to shoehorn everyone into our plans or drag them along with us whether they like it or not. But it is also endlessly more gratifying—it feels like constantly finding ways of going with the flow rather than resisting the current. Unschooling gives us the opportunity to explore this nuanced space between encouragement and coercion, deepening our understanding of ourselves and of our children as we go.
I heard a quote once that said something along the lines of, “We can’t be our children’s motor. All we can ever do is help them connect to their own motor”. And perhaps there is our answer. When we encourage our child, are our actions helping them connect to their motor? Or are we taking over and attempting the impossible—to steer an unwilling person somewhere they don’t want to go?
A PLACE ON A HILL 
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