You’ve taken your child out of school, you’re reading some great books about unschooling and self-directed learning, you’re listening to all the podcasts, it all makes sense, and yet…. Despite all your efforts to wholeheartedly embrace this new way to live and learn, multiple times a day you find yourself gripped by panic, overwhelm or despair. Seemingly little things, like a comment from a friend or your child turning down a suggestion, can send you into a spiral of self-doubt, and the much-desired lightness and joy seem far out of reach. I remember those early days. I would feel like I’d finally got the hang of it all, and then there would be a sibling argument, an intrusive thought about the future, or a plan that didn’t go to plan. Suddenly, everything felt fragile, my confidence would disappear, and my brain would go into overdrive, trying to figure out how to fix it all (and making it all so much worse!).
So what’s going on? It’s important to be aware that it is normal for our brains to play some tricks on us in the beginning. We are hardwired to pursue safety at all costs, and typically that means our brain would prefer to stay with the status quo, rather than stepping into the unknown. So, whilst you are trying to forge ahead on your new journey, you are likely to find that your brain and your nervous system do everything they can to keep you exactly where you are. After all, even when the status quo isn’t great, it is familiar. No matter how much we believe in something or how well we understand it intellectually, it can take a while to get beyond our fear of the unknown and to update all the old patterns and beliefs that we may have lived by for some time. Over the next few posts, we’ll take a look at the kind of obstacle our brain might throw in our path as we deschool, starting with negativity bias.
Negativity bias. It makes sense that, as we go through life, we need to pay particular attention to the things that are potentially harmful to us, so that we can learn what to avoid in the future. And so, we all have negativity bias, meaning that we place far more importance on negative events than we do on positive ones. For example, if two equal things happen, a positive and a negative, we will almost certainly fixate on the negative. Our heightened sense of danger also means that we tend to see things as far riskier than they really are, and that we are prone to seeing danger even where there is none. If you were walking along the road and spotted something that looked like it could be a snake or a stick, you would be more likely to react to it as though it were a snake – just in case. And, not only do we tend to overestimate the threat but we also underestimate our ability to deal with it.
All of this means that negativity bias can be quietly sabotaging when we start to unschool. Because our brains are hardwired to overvalue the negative, it’s terribly easy to find ourselves fixating on the things that don’t feel so good. We’ve had a lovely morning, and things are flowing along beautifully, then we have a phone chat with our mother or a friend and they ask us how our child is doing with maths/reading/planning their future. And suddenly, the lovely morning evaporates as we find ourselves in the grip of anxious thoughts. The problem then is that the brain is likely to go into overdrive and try to “solve” the problem. This can manifest in lots of ways, all designed to soothe the nervous system and all destined to fail in the long run. So, we might try to get our child to read or do some maths even though they don’t want to. We might try to get them out of the house to do something “fun” even though they have said they want to stay at home. We might try to engage them in a conversation about the future. Or instead, we might just give ourselves a really hard time, and despair at how badly we seem to be doing this. Our response to whatever the perceived negative situation was can easily derail the whole day.
And all the while, we don’t realise that our perception of reality is not reality. Our brain has blown one thing out of proportion and ignored the rest completely. To give an idea of how effectively the brain does this, research shows that it takes at least five positive experiences to counter one negative one.
Be aware and challenge the thoughts! So what can we do about negativity bias? Our best strategy starts by just being aware of it. When you realise that something has thrown you off balance, notice the thoughts that are coming up for you, and ask yourself “Is this really true?”. Is it really true that he’ll never learn maths? Is it really true that I’ve gotten everything wrong today?
Find those five positive experiences. Help your brain get things back into perspective by noticing all the positives. Remind yourself of all the good things that are happening too. Moments of connection and laughter, a conversation you had with your child, something they just told you, a fun thing you did yesterday. It’s so easy for all those really rich things to go under the radar. It can be helpful to nurture your ability to see the positives by noting them down at the end of every day. Or even, when you feel the weight of that negativity bias descending, grab a piece of paper and write down everything else that is also happening.
And remember, you’re not doing anything wrong, so don’t beat yourself up after a jittery day. Your brain is working hard to keep you safe and this is exactly how it is designed to function. Change takes time, patience, intentionality and a lot of self-kindness!
A PLACE ON A HILL 
Leave a comment