If there’s one thing most humans hate, it’s the unknown. It doesn’t how much we try to talk ourselves into being brave, the unknown unsettles us. Why? Because our brains are wired for survival, and when faced with uncertainty, our ancient survival software gets triggered. Fight, flight, freeze—or overthink. Leading to all those “what ifs,” and worst-case scenarios, accompanied by that uncomfortable feeling in the pit of our stomachs.
Unschooling, in many ways, is the modern-day version of leaping headfirst into the unknown. And it’s not surprising that stepping away from the well-worn path of traditional education can feel terrifying. After all, school is a known quantity. It’s familiar, structured, predictable. Even if your child is struggling or miserable within that system, it still represents a kind of certainty with its grades, benchmarks, standardised tests, and curriculum plans. You can plot it all on a calendar and explain it to your own parents.
Contrast that with unschooling. No textbooks unless the child wants them. No morning bell. No lesson plans. No clear benchmarks or end goal. Just a child learning organically through curiosity, play, exploration, and everyday life. For most of us raised in a system that values extrinsic motivation, solid outcomes and proof of learning over intrinsic motivation, unschooling can feel like jumping off a cliff.
Why our brains struggle with the unknown
Just as we saw in the last post (#1 Negativity bias) our brains are constantly scanning for danger. When we encounter a new situation, the brain goes into protective mode and get hypervigilant, trying to figure out if this new situation is safe. Hence all the overthinking: “What if my child falls behind?” “What if I’m making a terrible mistake?” “What will my family think?” “Will they get into college?” “What if they don’t learn to read?”
This is the brain is just doing what it does best: seeking safety. One of the most common experiences I hear from parents who ultimately choose to take their child out of school is that they didn’t feel able to take the leap until the child continuing at school became untenable. In other words, the fear of the unknown had to be outweighed by the actual discomfort of the known. The unknown had to feel like the safer option.
Once we’ve made the leap, our desire for certainty can still make the day to day extremely challenging. Our schooled minds are geared to knowing where things are going, and to seeing some kind of evidence that our chid is on the right track towards a good future. And so, we get nervous when nothing seems to be happening, when there is nothing to show for the day, or when it all feels directionless. Then we jump in to redirect things, we suggest things that no one is interested in, and we get overly invested in everything our children do. Our children get rightly annoyed at our continual meddling and lack of trust and we can easily end up sabotaging the very process we are trying to hold.
But we don’t need all the answers. We don’t need to know where it’s all going. To hold our children in a space where they feel safe and trusted, and where they can learn to move through life in a way that feels coherent for them, we need to learn how to trust the present moment and to sit with the unknown.
Getting good at being with the unknown
So don’t beat yourself up when you get nervous or fearful – it’s a natural part of being human. Instead of despairing, or rushing to fix or change things, see if you can build your capacity to be with the discomfort, create a little pause, and then dig a bit deeper.
1. Notice the discomfort
Generally, when our nervous system is triggered it feels so uncomfortable that we don’t even want to think about it. We just want to fix things! Try instead to observe the physical sensations when you are triggered. What’s going on for you in your body? How is the fear manifesting? A fast pulse, a sense of panic, tense shoulders? You may find that different situations bring on different physical responses.
2. Pause
If you are still tempted to try to fix something or change something, don’t! Resist the urge to soothe the fear. If you are with your child, maybe even move away and sit in another room for a moment. Just stay with the sensations and don’t let your mind try to take over.
3. Ask some questions
Once your nervous system feels a little calmer, try getting curious about your thoughts and ask yourself a few questions. “What am I scared of?”, “Is this a justifiable fear or is it actually unfounded?”. If you were catastrophising about the future, ask yourself “Is it even true?”.
4. Find a soothing resource
Many people have walked this path before, and their experiences can help make the unknown feel safer. Whether it’s in the form of books, podcasts, blogs, or an online group, find the people who inspire and reassure you and turn to them when you need a shot of confidence.
And finally, what I have noticed after all these years, is that the brain’s need for superficial certainty eventually gets replaced by something far deeper and far more reassuring. And that is the trust and belief you acquire in your child to know themselves and what is right for them. Whether your child is four or fourteen, supporting them to feel into what they want and need, and to make choices that are aligned and coherent in this present moment is probably the most certainty we can ever create.
A PLACE ON A HILL 
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